Wonderful Sausage
by chaann
Summary: AU - Kakuzu loves money, but what happens when he has had just about enough of someone who owes him too much? He'll get his money back one way that's for sure. No pairings! M for excessive violence. Based on the classic folklore/scary story. One shot.


Kakuzu was a man of money. Everything he did in his day to day life was to make more and more money. The perfect way to end a day? Count all of the bountiful profits he had made.

Money was his drug, profits were his dealer.

This days profits however were a little on the light side. In fact, as of lately they had been lighter than usual each and every day. And mercy to all souls that was not good. Not only was he widely known for his great affection for cash, he was known for his brute strength and furious temper. You did not want to get on his bad side, especially when money was involved.

Counting the days profits, he had had more than enough of the lack thereof. Where should be a stack of someone's rent rested nothing. One of the tenants he rented a small house a plot of land behind his house was yet again far too late on his rent. In fact, the moron was in debt for other things!

I need cash for food! I need a pair of new shoes, just cheap ones will do! A blade, what I need for daily life is a sharper blade! C'mon Kakuzu, I'll pay you back I promise!

Tch!

All this moron did was pray to some sort of weird foreign deity! If he could afford to sacrifice chickens, various other animals such as rodents and sometimes pigs instead... Why not pay his rent on time? Why not pay back what he owed not his god, but his landlord.

This god did nothing for him, he was poor and lived a hard life. So why keep worshipping? It was clearly getting him no where.

Kakuzu had been merciful though, giving him a set date when he wanted the loan repaid - and that day was today. He had given the man more than enough time to repay him. This was going to end today.

Storming up to the house located far on a piece of land he owned, Kakuzu pounded on the door with the side of his fist; shaking it around its' hinges.

"Hidan! You open up right now and pay me my money that you owe me!" He yelled loudly and quite clearly, even though there was a mask covering his mouth.

Without any sort of hesitation the door swung open and there stood a buff, shirtless male with his skin smothered in black soot and his hands speckled in blood. A gash was seen running down his arm... Ah yes, the idiot sliced himself for his lord Jashit or whatever it was. He must not have had had enough money to make a proper sacrifice since he had been saving all his income to give his landlord. Yes. That makes perfect sense.

"What the fuck do you think you are doing barging on over here at this time of day? You KNOW I do worship for the mighty Lord Jashin at this time!" Hidan screamed, vehemently pissed off that his sacred time was disturbed. Especially by someone so superficial and greedy as Kakuzu.

What a miser he was!

Kakuzu was just as angry, if not more. He was getting that money from Hidan at this moment one way or another. If not, collateral. Yes. Take all of his worldly possessions and then toss him out into a muddy patch of land between their homes. That sounds acceptable. Well, not more so as having a wad a cash that was owed to you placed into your own hands.

Money was always above all.

"Hidan..." Kakuzu seethed behind not only his teeth but also the mask. "You will pay what you owe me."

Hidan rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah? How are you going to make me pay you when I myself don't have any money?" He asked gesturing to his arm, suggesting it should be obvious he didn't even have money for his 'sacred' ritual.

Kakuzu grit his teeth. So much for his high hopes of being paid.

"Take my stuff?" Hidan continued. "It's all the stuff that came with the place! Jashin doesn't believe in having all those worldly possessions."

Kakuzu growled out loud now. Hidan wasn't making anything better for himself. In fact, he could go out and make it worse from here out if he didn't hand over at least something. Every little word the smaller male spat made his heart pump hateful and bitter blood through his veins.

"Shit Cock-zu, it's no wonder you're a single old miser... You only have your money to go home too! What's it like to be so unlikable?"

Oh he had had enough of this lowlife human now. Raising his hand, Kakuzu gave Hidan a mighty shove to the center of his chest sending him stumbling backwards; swearing in the process. Eyes gleaming with pure bloodlust, Kakuzu glanced at his next object of desire which happened to be the butcher knife Hidan had recently purchased to make his animal sacrifices.

Glaring at the older male for the shove, the left side of Hidan's upper lip curled high. "What're ya gonna do? Repossess my knife? I'll bite those motherfuckers heads off to kill them if I have to! Rocks can smash rats too!" He screamed out mockingly, laughing at his landlord.

Kakuzu saw red. No amount of money in the world could provide him with the satisfaction of this next move.

Rushing foreword he plunged the large knife into his young tenants chest; dead center. Hot blood immediately began to pour from the chest cavity. The red oozing out - streaking and mixing with that ridiculous amount of soot... Yes, no amount of money could match the satisfaction of finally getting rid of that pain in the ass, Hidan!

"Agh-ha? I see, so attempted murder is your game. I underestimated you, gramps!"

Kakuzu looked at the other male in horror as the what should very well be a corpse stand up an remain alive. "How!?" He yelled infuriated, moving to stab Hidan yet again, this time aiming more towards the heart.

Hidan laughed manically as he was stabbed over and over. "You dipshit! While you worship and live for only money, I have lived in accordance to my Lord Jashin!" He bellowed, stepping forward as Kakuzu stepped back in fear of the inhumanly immortal man.

"Just wait until the townsfolk hear and see of this!" He stumbled, dragging a hand to smear more blood around his chest. "The great miser, Kakuzu resorts to attempted-manslaughter! Then they arrest you and take all your possessions and money!"

A wretch rolled in Kakuzu's stomach. Not at the sight of all the blood, no. He was used to the sight of blood. He owned a couple hogs and a meat grinder which meant on occasion he made delicious sausage which always sold fairly well. Instead it was at the thought of all his life's efforts going down the drain. Like hell someone was going to up and just take his money! Especially because of someone as insufferable as this zealot.

Pure panic set it though.

Before Hidan could make his way for the door, Kakuzu wrapped his arms around the man and pulled at him to the floor. Hidan hissed in pain as Kakuzu pinned him with his knee into his back.

"Hey! Get off'a me!"

Sliding his hands over Hidan's body, Kakuzu rested them on his shoulders. Gripping them hard he bent them back, stunning the muscles into a painful spasm. Instead of a howl of utter pain like he had wanted, he received a delightful moan from the smaller male. He cringed in disgust. This just made him hate the guy even more. One last push back on the shoulders got the desired effect of dislocating them.

"You...fuck!"

Hidan writhed on the floor, bloody and now having great trouble to get up and flee. Kakuzu wasn't going to have any of that though. He jumped up faster and pressed his foot down on the back of his knee, hard enough to hear a loud snap.

"What're you gonna do? Just beat me instead and take that charge? I can't die and I heal faster than normal. Face it old man, you're screwed!"

Kakuzu ignored the male and picked him up bridal style. It was late now, this would have to be resolved before sunrise when the town would wake up.

"Agh! Where the hell are you taking me!?"

Mud stuck the bottom of Kakuzu's shoes, slopping up this sides of his pant legs as he struggled to carry the other full grown man. Said man made his body limp and heavy making it all the more difficult to carry.

The rage in Kakuzu grew with each of those steps.

Taking Hidan back to his personal plot of property, he dumped the body on a metal slab of his butchering room. On the floor lay a drain where he could wash the blood down. Moving quickly, he had to find a way to destroy the idiots existence quickly. Hidan hollered for help though which certainly didn't help. What if his neighbor Sasori heard? Sure the man never really left his house since he worked from it, but surely he'd investigate if he heard someone screaming bloody murder. Right?

"Best silence that big mouth." He grit, grabbing a piece of filthy cloth and tying it as a gag.

That Hidan didn't appreciate, but it sure did muffle the hollering.

Now what to do with Hidan.

There weren't many options. Cut up the body parts and bury them separately might work. Surely there might be some people notice the man would be missing. That one man, Deidara, regularly chatted up a storm with Hidan. He might question and look for the missing person. Really though, could the two of them actually be considered friends?

A large freshly dug area was always suspicious as well. They would search there and find the body, or at least a piece in no time. There were no lakes nearby to dump the body, and certainly no ocean.

With all that thinking he had only come to the conclusion that he certainly couldn't keep the guy in one piece since he would ultimately heal. Grabbing an apron and his butcher knife he used for slaughtering his pigs, he worked through Hidan's cries of agony as he was cut limb from limb.

Arms were removed, then legs; even his head was chopped off. Much to Kakuzu's surprise the Jashinist still remained alive and well. Well, as well as you can get when you can only move your fat mouth which currently had a muddy and bloody rag in it.

Kakuzu twirled the bloody butcher knife in his hand. Thinking long and hard, he decided to destroy the young body even more. In the end, what if the courts couldn't tell what exactly it was? Then it would be harder to convict him... Or at least notice it was human instead of any other meat.

Cutting the flesh off from the bones and removing organs Kakuzu sighed. "Meat is meat I guess..."

Then it hit him.

Glancing over his shoulder he eyed up his meat grinder he used to make his great pork sausages. It sure would speed up the process of destroying every last inch of Hidan's worthless existence.

Slab after slab of meat he worked at pushing it and grinding it down, letting the conscious Hidan head watch in pure horror as his once beautiful body was completely destroyed. Oh how he wanted to swear at Kakuzu. Only little muffles of them could be heard though.

Tossing the guts to his hogs and grinding the bones last, Kakuzu looked back at the pile of ground meat. It was a hefty amount and in most terms make a lot of sausage. Sausage he could sell for profit. Beautiful profit.

He let a smile creep across his face, adrenaline from earlier still coursing throughout his veins.

Adding special seasoning and a small portion of left over ground hog meat as well, he packaged the meat in hog intestinal casing and smoked it; hoping for a good outcome.

As the meat smoked, Hidan's head remained furious at what his landlord had done to him. Nothing that the tenant could do now, Kakuzu untied the gag ready to hear the others last words for in his other hand rested a sledge hammer.

Hidan did not yell like Kakuzu expected, and he certainly did not cry. "May Lord Jashin damn you for all eternity." He spoke clearly. "You will get caught. Jashin will avenge me."

-x-

Kakuzu spent the rest of the morning hosing down the butchering room which was covered in Hidan's blood. He also fed his hogs the ground up bits of his once lively tenants head. Thank goodness these filthy creatures eat anything.

Opening the shop he owned that morning, he chewed his lips. The shop was filled with the delightful scent of the new Special Sausage of the Day. Each whiff of the delicious aroma made his stomach twist. Was he really going to sell human meat to the townsfolk? The people he saw every day, just for money?

A ring at the door alerted Kakuzu to his first customers. He rubbed his eyes in tiredness from his busy night. Here goes nothing. The start of a new and very long day.

"Mm! Kakuzu I must say, what is that wonderful smell, un?"

Kakuzu looked up and almost felt sick at the sight of Hidan's friend Deidara who being the young bachelor he was, came by looking for something easy to make for breakfast. Sausage always being his favorite choice next to fruit and oatmeal.

"Oh? It must be this!" He cheered Walking up to the sample with a chipper skip in his step.

Taking the small sliver of cooked meat on a stick, Kakuzu began to sweat. What if it tasted disgusting? He refused to taste the vile meat as he knew what it was. Deidara was the guinea pig here, and the moan of happiness from the blond sent a shiver up Kakuzu's spine.

"Wow! Kakuzu, this has to be the most wonderful sausage I've ever had in my life! You're not even a professional butcher and here you are doing better than any of them, un!"

Deidara whipped out his wallet and handed the older male a large bill. "I don't care the cost, I just gotta have me some more for breakfast, lunch and dinner, un!"

Kakuzu handed a large packaged portion of the smoked, but uncooked meat over with shakey hands. However when he saw the bill, he took it with sense of pride. Money seemed to always make things better. Suddenly the door bell rang again, this time catching more of Deidara's attention since Kakuzu was preoccupied with his pure profit.

It's not like he paid for the human meat after all...

"Oh Sasori-danna! You have got to try this, it's delicious - it's the best, un." Deidara yelled over, already holding up a piece for the redhead to take.

Sasori didn't question it and simply took the meat. Deidara always managed to be wrong in his eyes, so why not see what meat the brat considered to be 'the best'. As he chewed his eyes went wide. This sausage was delicious! The best he'd ever had!

"For once you are actually correct Deidara. This is indeed most delicious." Sasori spoke, unable to not sound at least a little shocked. Digging his wallet out as well, he handed Kakuzu some money. "I must buy some."

Kakuzu was torn as he watched the two men talk so excitedly over the meat. He loved that he was making such a profit; these two were willing to pay top notch for this one purchase. However there was still the bit nagging at him that the two of them had just eaten a piece of their neighbor and friend.

Could they now be considered cannibals?

"Pardon me Kakuzu, but I must ask if you heard it too."

Kakuzu looked up at Sasori who had spoken up, looping his bag of purchased goods into the fold of his arm.

"Heard what, Sasori?"

Sasori rolled his lips as if unsure. "It was faint... but it seemed as if at one point last night there was screaming. Then again I'm not sure since by the time I got up to investigate it had already ended."

"No. No I heard nothing! You must have been hearing things. I didn't hear anything of the sorts." Kakuzu snapped a little too quickly.

Both Sasori and Deidara quirked their heads at this. Kakuzu was usually such a level headed guy. Why in the world was he so snappy this morning?

"Well alright then, if you didn't hear anything..."

Deidara shook his head as he decided to change the subject. "Anyway! I'm going to head over to Hidan's house, un."

Kakuzu's head shot up from looking at his white knuckles.

"He has got to try this sausage! You know how he loves his meats. Besides, un, he's been having have real financial troubles lately. As much of a pain he is, I would hate for him to go hungry or feel so worthless to the point of... You know. All he has is his beliefs in his weird god Jashin after all, un."

Sasori nodded politely in agreement, but in the end couldn't help but smirk. "Don't tell me he's becoming more and more successful at his attempt to convert you."

"No way!" Deidara laughed, giving Sasori's shoulder a gentle shove. "Well, I best be off! Again Kakuzu, love what you did with the sausage, un. Hidan is going to love it!"

Sasori waved goodbye while Kakuzu stuttered a farewell. This wasn't going to be good when Deidara would arrive at Hidan's house to find the door wide open and the man missing.

Oh. Oh dear.

He completely forgot about cleaning Hidan's blood up from his house! Not that Deidara wasn't used to seeing the other male doused in the blood of an animal. That stayed outdoors though. After stabbing Hidan though, Kakuzu got the blood everywhere.

"Well Kakuzu..." Sasori sighed as he put a cigarette in his mouth, ready to smoke it as soon as he stepped back outside. "I best be off. As that stupid brat said, well done on the meat. I am impressed."

Throughout the day more and more customers tried, complimented and ultimately bought the sausage. It was on such high demand as word got around on just how delicious it was. With each and every purchase though, Kakuzu felt less and less guilty about murdering Hidan and turning him into food. The money he was making from sales was incredible! He was breaking record sales already and it just after lunch. The day wasn't even over and he still have more to sell.

Well, things were going well until he saw a breathless and upset looking Deidara come bursting through his store doors.

Kakuzu knew exactly what he was going to ask so he took a deep breath and closed his eyes slowly. "Oh Deidara, is everything alright?" He asked as calm as humanly possible. Again though, sounding off since the tone he used was far too polite for the grouchy miser.

Deidara shook his head sending his long hair flopping. He look completely distraught as he stormed passed other customers. "No Kakuzu! I can't seem to find Hidan anywhere!" He cried out hoarsely, earning a few off glances.

I mean who would honestly miss that freak? Hidan that is. Everyone in town knew that man was insane.

Kakuzu pushed his earnings to the side out of sight so he could focus better on what was before him. "...Oh?" He asked, hoping for Deidara to continue.

"What's even more concerning is his front door was left open and... There was just far too much blood - even for him, un!" Deidara reported with his hands now beginning to shake nervously. "Have you seen him anywhere?"

Kakuzu put his weight on one leg and hummed in thought. No, not trying to recall when he had last seen the silver haired male, but rather what lie to tell the panicked young man before him.

"You know Deidara, he might have... Left town."

Deidara's jaw dropped and he didn't need to say another word to express that he needed a better explanation. Left town? Just like that!? Without any word too!

"Well you see Deidara, Hidan was very late on his rent..."

"Un! Yeah so!?"

Kakuzu coughed. "He also owed me a lot of money. Perhaps he left because, as you said this morning, he was having so much financial trouble...?"

Deidara took the suggestion with an open mind and thought about it a moment. "So he just... Up and left in the middle of the night because of debt?"

"Well Deidara, that was just a suggestion. It's been hardly twenty-four hours since you last seen him and I haven't been by the house since... Yesterday morning... Wait a little longer and maybe he will return. I will clean his house of the blood and give him a week to return."

That load of bullshit ought to make him not sound like a culprit.

Luckily for him too, Deidara bought every word. Nodding he let out a shaky sigh and leaned foreword on the counter. "Wow... Who are you and what have you done with the real Kakuzu, un? Usually when it involves money you're at people's throats, but here you are completely fine with the idea of Hidan running away from his debt."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes. "I never said I'm fine with it. When he does come back, I'm going to knock him upside the head. Maybe... I will repossess his sacrificing knives."

This cheery talk made Deidara feel a little bit better. "Haha! You take those knives... Oh he'd hate that... not being able to make his sacrifices to Jashin, un. If you see him before me, send him my way before you pummel him."

Nodding, Kakuzu waved the tired blond off as he left. "...sure sure." He called as well, trying to reassure him, even though he knew very well Hidan was gone forever.

The last of the special sausage sold out in no time, and just as fast as it sold out it was in demand again. How could Kakuzu tell the townsfolk that he couldn't reproduce the recipe? It wasn't the spices that made the sausage, it was the flavorful meat itself.

Then something caught his eye. Out in town there were other humans who he wasn't particularly fond of. One in particular was the niece of one of his long time enemies, Hashirama. Tsunade was a blossoming young woman, thick and plump; just perfect for slicing and dicing.

Again the sausage made of her supple flesh sold in an instant. However by then, Deidara returned looking distraught as ever. Again Kakuzu knew the reason even without asking.

"Deidara? Why so glum?" Kakuzu questioned as he handed a little sample of the days special meat.

As he chewed the meat, Deidara sighed heavily. "Hidan still hasn't returned."

"Oh?" Kakuzu questioned, this time more confidently.

"I'm beginning to think your theory was correct, un." The blond admitted sadly. "He did just get up and move a long."

"Well isn't that just a shame for the both of us."

When in reality Kakuzu had already repossessed all of Hidan belongings and fine knives days ago. In fact they were quite useful in making the days special sausage.

"You know I was doing research on his so called religion, Jashinism." Deidara drawled on leaning on the counter top, listening the the bell of a customer leaving the store so then two of them remain alone. "Yup, seems that Jashin worshipers turn immortal as long as they pray and stay devoted to... well, Jashin!"

"Immortal you say?"

"Interesting, huh? I never knew such a thing was possible! Well... Just thought I'd let you know now that Tsunade has been reported missing, I thought I would throw Hidan's name out there too. What if he went missing for the same reason she did, un!"

Kakuzu scratched under his nose as he nodded. "That's... A good idea. Let's hope nothing bad happened to him... Or her. Him though, I'm the only one allowed to cause him pain. He still owes me my money!"

Deidara laughed but now had a twinkle of fear in his eyes that was clearly noticeable. "Yeah... Well, farewell Kakuzu. Stay safe out there."

Oh and did Kakuzu stay safe. Safe and rich. Next to go was a young plump lad named Chouji, and after him was a woman of the Uchiha family. That proved to be a huge mistake as it turned out her husband was the head of the police force.

"Too many people have gone missing!" Fugaku Uchiha hollered from a podium to the crowed below. "Something must be done! All suspicious activity must be reported to the Police immediately!"

Sasori wrapped his arm around Deidara's shoulder awkwardly in an attempt to console the shaken blond. Deidara was now sure that Hidan was a victim like all the other missing persons. All that he could think about was -

"Jashinists are supposed to be immortal! If they were murdered, what would they have done with him, un!" Deidara yelled pointing to a large section of another book on Jashin he had acquired.

Kakuzu slowed his profit counting, his eyes narrowing at his friend. Deidara was getting too close to figuring out his secret.

"Deidara, you can't honestly believe that though." Sasori groaned rubbing his eyes before chugging the last of his coffee. He had spent the last night working on puppets for far too long that's for sure.

Going out for coffee with the two was a waste of time. It was nice to see them though. He too was becoming concerned that any last time with them could be the very last.

Standing abruptly, Deidara grunted loudly. "I will get to the end of this, un! As much as I hate him, I want our Hidan back!"

With that he stormed off book in hand, ready to read some more. Sasori on the other hand was ready to get back to work. Without Deidara there it just felt boring. No one to argue with, he could relate to the blond now with how he felt missing Hidan.

Kakuzu was left with his thoughts though. Yes. Deidara was getting too close to figuring out the secret of the delicious sausage. Yes. He would certainly have to do something about this - and soon.

Knocking at his door, Kakuzu straightened out his jacket. It was show time. "Deidara, I was wondering if you could help me unload some new goods I just received." He asked, knowing that the kid already owed him for being the only person to sell his quirky artwork at his store.

Deidara nodded as he slipped on his jacket and shoes. Boy was it ever late to be doing this though. Why hadn't he asked for Sasori's help though? The redhead lived closer to the store which also sold his art. That meant he was just at Kakuzu's mercy as he was, right? By the time they would get there it would be dark! Pushing that aside, it probably would be good to leave the house. He had been spending far too much time reading and learning about Lord Jashin, he was beginning to feel like a real Jashinist! In fact he even tried making a few sacrifices, y'know, just to see if the immortality thing was real. It was just he didn't really want to test the theory out.

"Thank you for your help." Kakuzu said rather chipper, sauntering up to the much smaller male as they placed the last box in the butchering room.

Oh this was going to be easy.

"It was no problem! In fact - "

In an instant Kakuzu brought the large sharp knife down, slicing a part of Deidara's arm clean off. In agony the male collapsed to the floor.

With quick cutting from past experience, Kakuzu removed a large chunk of meat from the arm and tossed it into the grinder.

"Ahh... You will make a fine link of sausage." Kakuzu laughed, picking up a slightly smaller blade, ready to finish Deidara off as quick as possible.

He wasn't mad at Deidara, nor did he hold a grudge, so why make the kid suffer?

Shrieking in horror, Deidara panicked as he saw the smaller knife make its way to the dead center on his chest. He was going to die. He was going to die. Wait. He looked down at the blade in his heart. Why wasn't he dead?

Pushing Kakuzu back since he too was stunned at seeing the alive blond, he removed the blade from his heart. Deidara could feel the beating and he could feel the pain from being stabbed. However what he felt the most of was being alive.

"K-Kakuzu... You're the reason for all the missing deaths, un." He stuttered moving further and further away, glancing between his older friend and the meat grinder. "And your killings... You -" He gagged as he realized that the special and most delicious sausage was actually human meat. "But why!?"

"Why...? Because I love money and you can't kill a Jashinist!"

Eyes wide, Deidara booked it running. He needed to get out of there fast, lest he end up like all the other victims. Screaming as he ran down the street, lights began to turn on as the towns people awoke. Running and running he knew he had to get to the police station. As he glanced behind him all he could see was a furious Kakuzu chasing him with his large butcher knife, dressed in his blood stained apron.

Luckily for Deidara, all the townspeople who had looked out their windows and doors saw the exact same thing.

"The special sausage is human meat!" Deidara continued to scream as he ran. "It's human! It's human, un!"

People paled as it quickly clicked. All the missing people, plus the sight before them. They had all taken part in eating the citizens of their town.

Now it's obvious that if Deidara had been caught in the streets, he would be alive. After all he was at the time worshipping Jashin without even knowing it. Sasori worked long hours and made Deidara a prosthetic arm. The wounds on his chest did eventually heal rather quickly of course.

Deidara could only think of Hidan having to be ground into meat, all while being alive. What a thing to witness. Getting on his knees and thanked Jashin though, grateful he was able to help avenge his friend with the help they provided.

What happened to Kakuzu though? Some people say he was simply executed for his heinous crime, while others say he was ground up and fed to his hogs. Whatever happened to him, his death was guaranteed long and painful. However there are a few rumors he broke out of prison and ran away penniless and remained so for the rest of his life. All that is known is he was never seen again; him nor his wonderful sausage.

* * *

I don't write stuff like this ever. this is new and a first. I write fluff and smut so I apologize ahead if this is less than great. this is based off not a fairytale like I usually do, but rather a old folklore I found in scary story collection. BYE LOSERS


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